


The Ultimate Team-Up

by Electrickittenshark



Series: So Sue Me! [4]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Comedy, F/F, F/M, M/M, reality ensues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 18:20:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14170785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Electrickittenshark/pseuds/Electrickittenshark
Summary: Iris and Sue deal with PR mishaps for their SO's. The night ends with the both of them getting drunk and watching two men in tight suits trying to drag themselves through a very awkward scene.





	The Ultimate Team-Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jayofmo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayofmo/gifts).



Recently Maxwell Lord, became in charge of dealing with the PR problems for superheroes, he mostly dealt with the fan mail, sponsorships and marketing. Iris, Barry, Ralph and Sue are hanging out the West-Allen’s loft, they are going through all of the fan mail for the Flash and Elongated Man. There are a lot of small kids who look up to them, writing sweet letters and sending cute little drawings. Barry and Ralph even got crotched dolls of themselves.  

 **Iris:** You know, you guys are not just heroes, you are public figures and icons. I think we should definitely have another chat with Max.

 **Ralph:** I don't know, we just want to save people and not bother with the boring stuff. 

 **Barry:** Oh, please Ralph, you love the press. I thought you’d nuts about this PR stuff.

 **Ralph:** Uh, branding talks with Lord are boring. 

 **Barry:** Yeah, I kinda agree with Ralph.

 **Sue:** Yeah, but now people are making merchandise and money off you. What if they use your image and legacy to sell horrible things? What if Big Belly Burger claimed that The Flash can run so fast because he drinks twenty orange sodas every day? You end up with a bunch of gullible people who are two steps away from becoming diabetics. 

Ralph and Barry sigh and roll their eyes in sync. 

 **Iris:** **_(Kisses Barry on the cheek)_** You know what babe,  I’ll deal with it. 

 

Later that day, Iris heads to LORD: Public Relations and Marketing, Sue tags along with her. They go through the monotonous process of sorting through all of the offers from different companies.

 **Maxwell:** So, that’s a no on the Flash being sponsored by Jitters? You know he will get his _**own** _ van. 

 **Iris:** No sponsorships for The Flash. Ever.

 **Maxwell:** And I’m assuming that Elongated Man doesn't want to be sponsored by Gingold?

 **Sue:** Yup.

 **Maxwell:** You know after Elongated Man stated in an interview that he loves Gingold, some people are spreading the rumor that drinking Gingold can make people stretch. 

 **Sue:** I guess being hit by dark matter on a bus is too boring of a back story, huh?

 **Iris** : Is there anything else?

 **Maxwell:** Well, we have gotten some interesting and “inappropriate” content here.

Maxwell, shows them some of the racy fan art of Flash and Elongated Man.

 **Maxwell:** Oh, but this isn’t even the cream of the crop. **_(Places a DVD on the desk)_** I managed to convince the original content creators not to post the film online, but they sent this DVD anyways. 

 **Iris:** Who the hell even uses DVD’s anymore?

Sue stares at the cheap DVD cover, which is starting to peel off at this point, in bewilderment. There is a picture of an actor in a cheap knock off Elongated Man costume with rubber nipples and a rubber ass, grinding up against a stripper pole. While another blonde actor in a cheap synthetic Flash costume is throwing money at Elongated Man.

 **Sue:** Elongated Nights XXX. Is this…is this what I think it is? 

 **Iris** : **( _Face palms_ )** Oh god, someone out there actually made a gay porno about them.

Iris and Sue, glance read the back cover of the DVD. 

 **Sue:** **_(Snickers)_** He’s just a small-town boy and broke P.I. who stripped to make ends meet but everything changed when he met the man who was penetrated by lightning.

 **Iris:** He swallowed the magical white elixir and became Elongated Man. **_(Squints her eyes)_** What? Why? NO!

 **Sue:** You know what this is all wrong. I refuse to believe that a fan made this. I mean look at this! They totally messed up his origin story. That is not how Ralph got his powers. What’s with the suit? It’s purple, not mauve and the guy is wearing a blue, not black mask! ( ** _Points at the cover)_**. Ralph is _waaaaay_ more handsome than this guy. For the love of Beebo, this guy is a ginger!

 **Iris: _(Chortles)_ ** Well, damn. Looks like someone pissed off Elongated Man’s biggest fan.

 **Sue:** Elongated Man uses his long arms and “sword” to spray the world with the elixir of justice. One _elongates_ and the other _vibrates_. It's the ultimate team up.

They burst out laughing and Max just buries his head in his hands. However, Sue and Iris have developed a morbid fascination with the film.

 **Sue:** You know what?

 **Iris:** What?

 **Sue:** I kinda wanna—

 **Iris:** Watch it?

 **Sue and Iris:** Can we keep this?

 **Maxwell:** Take it! Just take it!

 

Sue and Iris end up relaxing for the evening with a few bottles of red wine. Even though the film is shot in 2018, it looks and feels like a cheap porno from the 80’s. Everything has been shot on an old Nokia camera phone and it is obvious that the actors “hired” are actually straight. Iris grabs the popcorn and Sue brings over the pecan butter ice cream, as the film starts playing. Porno Ralph clumsily tries to pole dance, but the pole falls down and the actors have to put it back up again. Porno Barry is aggressively rubbing his chest and posing dramatically. Since they couldn't afford special effects, they just fast-forwarded through the film when the Flash has to do anything in super speed. Elongated Man has it even worse, since they just replace the actor’s body parts with long plastic legs, plastic tongues and yes even, plastic penises. Porno Ralph starts cussing loudly when he can't get his costume off and the zipper gets stuck. Iris and Sue drunkenly laugh through the most awkward sex scene in history of sex scenes.

It finally climaxes with: 

 **Porno Barry:** I don't think it's a **_stretch_** for you ( ** _Winks awkwardly_** ) to go for round two. 

 **Porno Ralph:** Ooh, well I'd love to **_come_** with you. ( ** _Winks even more awkwardly_** ) Wanna help me get into my _tight, tight_ suit?

Ralph and Barry get back to the West-Allen loft only to find Sue and Iris laughing hysterically. Iris quickly takes out the DVD from the player and quickly hides it away.

 **Barry:** What are you guys watching? 

 **Iris:** **( _Giggles drunkenly_ )** The ultimate team up! 

Barry picks Iris up in his arms and takes her to bed. Ralph grabs the DVD and his jaw physically drops on ground when he reads the title.

 **Ralph:** **_(Sighs)_** Why Sue?

 **Sue:** I watched it, for “research”. 

 **Ralph:** ( ** _Kisses her forehead and smiles)_** Research huh? Well, it must be a really important film then. 

 **Sue:** Oh, it's a cinematic marvel.

Ralph wraps his arm around Sue and takes her home after a very ~~long~~ elongated night. 

**Author's Note:**

> So the CW shows don't explore some of the mundane and realistic aspects of being a superhero, such as PR for superheroes. The Justice League animated series briefly mocked the concept of sponserships with Wally's character. Then something occured to me, if Flash and Elongated Man get fan mail, then someone, anyone must have made some kind of pornographic materials based on these people. Because there is porn of everything. I mean everything. That was the main inspiration for this story. I was also inspired the ridiculous amount of chemistry between Grant Gustin and Hartley Sawyer, plus the unintentional homoromantic tones in a lot of their scenes.


End file.
